BABY BLUE'S JOURNALSunday, February 29; 6:05 amWhomp!
Waaaa! Oh man! That sure hurt!
The others told me they did this to you, they pull you from your warm bed through a very tiny walkway... how I'm supposed to squeeze my way out of it simply baffles me. They raise you up into the air head down, and then give you a good smack on the rump.
Why they have to do that, I have no idea. All I know is, when the doctor did that, I bawled like mad. I got a good gulp of cold air rushing into my mouth, coursing through my throat and fluffing up my lungs. I was howling like crazy but that oncoming breath of air felt wonderful. That doctor thinks he's so smart. Little did he know that right before he whacked me, I was about to open my mouth and breathe my first. But no... he had to make me cry for it.
A few minutes later, something was terribly wrong. It was all so confusing. I was doing it real easy at first, you know... breathing, and I was enjoying it. But then I slowly felt like it was making me weak and I was getting so tired, breathing.
Suddnely, it was pandemonium. They quickly laid me down on another table, pulled a big, green oxygen tank beside me, and a nurse stuck a small tube inside my nose. That tickled a bit, but I wouldn't have felt that had it not been for the oxygen that came in a torrent into my heaving chest. I felt fine once again. still not good, but better. Another nurse stuck a needle into my arm... that hurt again but I was too weak to protest. All I could do was whimper.
I guess they did a lot more things to me that morning I came... I wouldn't know. The oxygen was soothing and I was getting really sleepy.
As I drifted off, I wondered about all the fuss. These people are funny. Why'd they have to pull me out from where I was warm and comfy if it was going to be this crazy? They sure have a knack for complicating things.
1:30 PMI had a good rest, that oxygen seemed to be pretty good stuff. But then I was getting hungry and they were still not feeding me. What the heck? Couldn't these people tell? Was it my job to tell them what to do with me? Man, you'd think they'd know. Oh alright.... if I have to...
'Waaaa! Maybe if I flail my arms and legs, they'll notice. That should tell them something.
'Waaaa!' Hey, maybe if I move my hand like this the nurse would get worried I'll lose my IV.
'Waaaa!' There... I knew that'll work.
But what are they dong? They are not inserting another tube up my nose, are they? Somebody give me a mirror, will ya? Puhleeeaase! Boy, I must look really freaky... a tube in each nostril. Oh man... now I'm not even gonna taste my milk. Dang! Oh well... as long as I get fed, what the heck? Bring it on, babe!
I heard the doctors talking while the nurse was inserting the tube up my nose. Such big words... TRANSPOSITION OF THE GREAT ARTERIES! Duh? Well, they think I don't know but... come on guys. I know that you know that we all know about these things before we came out of that walkway. Let me tell you a little secret... we know it all. Sure we do. This world is full of questions that men spend all their lives trying to answer. How can you guys forget, huh? How can you forget that all these answers are in us? We knew them before we were born. All of them. Our knowledge is as old as time. How can you forget that we are all part of that one great unified wisdom. What you know is what I know... what our forefathers knew, and those before them. We were born equipped with all these information embedded in our very cells... our microscopic units bulging with all these knowledge that the aging man feigns learning. Come on... haha! You're not really learning anything new. You're just re-learning things, remembering things you've always known.
But I understand. You had to grow up and that's tough. It stresses you out. You become preoccupied with so many things you have to do and accomplish that you forget you're actually a master on these things.
They say you're trying to crawl. Sure you can! But then you had to please them so you start pumping up your legs, and then you tentatively shift your body from side to side, until you lose your balance and find yourself lying on your chest. Oooh, that is so not a good position. So you try to get on your back again and do all the moves and end up pushing your body forward instead of turning it over, and THEN they say you're crawling.
They say you're trying to talk. What baloney! Where do they think all these words came from, huh? Sheesh, all those information in your very cells and you start goo-gooing and all these people jump with glee. They think you're such a smart baby.
I could eat peanuts if I wanted to, but they have to give me milk for a while. Alright, I'm fine with that. But you could at least let me have a taste of it. Come on nurse, a little drop on my tongue can't hurt. What!?! You poured it all in? Great... burp!
Oh no... oh no! I think I'm back in trouble. Hey nurse! Nuuuurrrse! Looky... I'm turning blue again. Oh man!.
Monday, March 1; 1:30 amBoy, that was close. For a whle there I thought I'd lost it. I don't know... I guess the nurse should have known better than to give me one oz of milk in one go. But I really can't blame her. I haven't had anything all morning after all and one oz?... What is that? You see, the trouble with this thing I got is I can't have too much of anything. Like I can't have too much milk, can't have too much fun, can be too excited, can't even be too sad or I'll end up crying too much and that is not good. And man, this simply blows me... haha! I can't even strain when I take a dump. How do you control something like that, huh?
Anyway, I know it's too early for me to be awake. I'm not supposed to be. They gave me a little shot of morphine this afternoon when I had that episode with the milk and that's supposed to knock me down for a long while, right? Well, I did sleep. But later on in the night, my mom came to visit me. My dad was with her, pushing her wheelchair... they looked kinda' cute... and sad. My mom wasn't teary-eyed or anything like that. She just had sad eyes and they stared at me real hard.
I guess the doctors have told her about what they plan to do already. They say it's gonna be a big day for me today. They're cutting me up in the groin, pass a wire up my artery to see how my heart works, maybe that way they'll find what's wrong with it exactly and how they're gonna fix me up. I'm not really gung-ho about it... it's just another painful experience. It's even making my mom sad. My mom!... of all people.
There... see my mom? Such a pretty lady, that she is. She's not just anybody, you know. She's a biggy in this office she works at. Now she's one hardworking lady, a real go-getter. She never misses work, and is never late. Sometimes she'd even bring home work just to have a head start for the following day. My dad sure is proud of her. Well, sometimes it makes him sad cause he doesn't get to spend time with her. But he just let her, seeing that it made her happy somehow. Of course he felt funny knowing that she was different in the office... she had more zest, more energy, more umph. At home, she always seemed... well, bored I guess. Even when my dad's trying to be sweet to her, she doesn't seem happy. Just bored with a big B!
When they found out they had me, my dad tried to tell her to slow down, to take care of herself cause she wasn't alone anymore. You know what my mom said? 'Here! You go and carry it! This wasn't even supposed to happen and now you want to run my life?!'
She called me 'it.' But I didn't mind. I was just sad for my dad. He was only trying to find the right things to say cause he was feeling so out of it, like she didn't want him involved or something, I wish she'd cut him some slack. How can you blame the guy for wanting to be some kind of a father, huh?
Ho-hum... I'm getting sleepy again. Better get me a couple of winks before my 'big day' starts. I just wish they'd stop, honestly. Can't they see it's not about me at all? We all know there's nothing they could do about it. Everything in my heart was made to be wrong... for a reason. Don't they even know that? Gosh, I'm so tired having to explain everything to these people.
9:00 amThe nurse was so nice. She had to prep me up for my big thing and when she found me still asleep, she tried to wake me up before sticking another needle on my arm. At least I didn't have to wake up howling in pain.
Oh, and my mom came to visit me before they wheeled me out. She cupped her hand along my cheek and said. 'Good luck, my dear. And please... please forgive me.'
I wanted to tell her it was ok, but then the nurse came and said it was time. I think I heard my mom sniff... well, I'm not sure. Anyway, be back in a while! I hope... haha!
6:00 pmI'm back! Actually, I've been back a couple of hours after they wheeled me out but the stuff they gave me was something. Oh boy, my head's still reeling!
Okay, so here's the score. The doctor's thought right, my great arteries got all mixed up so the blue blood from my body which is supposed to go to my lungs to fetch some oxygen doesn't get to the lungs and instead, it's brought back to my body and the red oxygen-rich blood from my lungs which is supposed to go to the rest of my body doesn't get there and instead is brought back to the lungs. They also said I got a hole in my heart. It's a hole that was supposed to have closed up when I got out of the walkway but it didn't. Now don't worry. That's supposed to be a good thing cause that's how some red blood mixes with my blue blood so the rest of my body gets some oxygen too and that's what saved my life. But only up to a certain point. Eventually, this hole will close up and then I will REALLY be in trouble.
They said I need surgery... and soon, cause the hole is not big enough and between now and then, anything can happen that might cause me to need more red blood and there's no way for me to get it except through that hole.
Tough, huh?
My mom was waiting for me when I got back. She told the nurse she'd like to stay a while and the nurse let her. I'm not sure how I felt about that. I mean, I was kinda' getting used to the nurse and she was really nice... What am I thinking? My mom is here for me! Finally! After 9 months of being inside her and not really feel her go out on a limb for me, she's here for me now and this is what I'm thinking? Something other than my heart has gotta be so wrong... haha!
She's here. She's really here...
She's even singing me a lullaby... something that goes,
'A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep...' Oh I don't know Mom. I don't think my heart's up to dreaming right now. I'm still so tired, and the wound on my groin really hurts. I think I'd rather just sleep. But thanks for the song. You sing pretty good. Ho-hum... well, see you in the morning!
Tuesday, March 2; 7:35 amI think it's going to be a fine day for a change.
For starters, my mom seems to be feeling better now cause she's moved some of her stuff to my room and she's with me all the time now. She even helped the nurse wash me and she tried to learn how to change my diapers. Well, feeding me was a different matter altogether. That was kinda' freaky for her still, she's scared she might do something wrong and get me started again.
And then my dad came and... I don't know. Everything just felt so right, the three of us being here. My dad said it almost felt like we were home. That made my mom a bit sad. I guess in her heart she feared that for me, this was as much of home as I would have... ever. Then my dad, seeing that she was sad again, went and embraced her and told her he loved her very much and then he thanked her for bringing me into their life. Now, isn't that sweet? My dad can be such a charmer... haha!
You know, the thing is, I know why I was made this way.
It's not so the doctor's would have something to work on so they could practice their craft and become more skillful surgeons.
It's not because one of the nurses is pregnant and now she's taking more care of herself. I mean, she knows this thing doesn't happen because of what you do or not do while you're pregnant, although I'm glad at least one of us is being taken care of very well.
It's not because God needs more angels in heaven to pray for the people here, although yes... we do need more angels.
Nature isn't even to blame. She's just programmed to do what she does based on how people treat her stuff. She's really fussy about them things, you know.
I wish I could tell my Mom not to hope too much. I might be here now, but being here is not my purpose. And yet, hope is so much a part of why I am here... although it's also going to give her so much pain when the time comes.
Now I'm really getting so confused. I'm not even sure I'm doing it right at all. Well, God did say it was going to be easy. All I had to do was lie down and sleep a lot. I guess I will just have to trust Him on that.
I wish people didn't have to behave the way they do, so God doesn't have to send a lot of babies like me to just 'lie down and sleep a lot.' (One of these days, when I get back, I'm gonna kid God about that line real good... haha!) I mean, it's alright for people to forget most of the things God taught them all the time they were being prepared for life. What!? Don't tell me you've forgotten about that too. So you think babies only get prepped up for life those 9 months they spend inside their moms? Awww man! You ought to know better than that. Oh what the heck! I suppose you've forgotten how it all started too so now you believe the Big Bang! Phooeey! You are so silly... haha!
Anyway, that's not really important. Like I said, it's alright for you to forget most things. I guess that's why God allowed schools to be built, so you can learn about all these stuff again without getting so embarrassed about it. But I got some news for you. He's not happy at all that you forget about the most important thing. He's really disappointed with people about that. Like you guys weren't given hour after lengthy hour of lecture about it. Like you didn't go through endless drills and tests and return demos. Don't you even remember that your clearance for life specifically says you got qualified cause you passed the masteral studies on it? You're supposed to be one rung higher than the rest, man. And that's supposed to be what makes you different.
But God doesn't see that happening at all. So He has to make us come down and remind you.
You know, to be honest about it, I don't really like this job. It hurts a lot for one thing. But it hurts even more when I see what you guys have to go through just to learn these things all over again. It hurts, because if you just tried a little harder, it doesn't have to be this way.
You know what, this is draining me. I'm getting myself all worked up. I think I'll go get some sleep.
10:00 pm Hold on a minute, will ya? I'm writing a letter for my mom. It's almost done.
Okey dokey... I think that should do it. Want me to read it to you? And then you go and tell me what you think. Deal? Okay, here goes...
Dear Mom,
Today, I was really happy.
I'm happy because you and dad spent all day with me. It was nice to feel you hold my hand and brush my hair, it's almost like being in your arms... but of course you were too scared to do that. But that's alright. With all the tubes and needles going in and out of me, I'd be too scared too if you carried me. Actually, it was enough just to have you there. I know I haven't been home and I guess you think I wouldn't know how it feels like. But I do. That's exactly where I felt I was today... home, with you and dad hovering... just about.
You see, mom, I never ever thought it would get this way. I was inside you all those months but I never felt as close to you as I do now. At first I thought it was because I was just this obscure blob of blood and you didn't think of me as a baby yet. You kept looking past me... unseeing, unrecognizing, almost with utter disbelief and disdain that I didn't look much at all. I tried to tell you I was for real. Why else do you think were you nauseous most mornings? I was trying to tickle your guts just so you'd notice something different. But that didn't work. And the more I did it, the more you got pissed off with me. So eventually I stopped.
When I got stronger, I tried to kick my legs up so you'd feel that I was alive inside of you. I wanted you to think of me as someone you'd eventually be able to carry in your arms and take care of, play with, cuddle... you know, all those nice things we saw our neighbor to do her baby. But most of the time, you couldn't be bothered. You'd tell me I'd better behave and leave you to do your job or you'd flush me down the toilet.
I just couldn't understand why you can't seem to love me, or want me. I know most parents would. Some people can't even have babies and that's all they pray for and work for and spend all their money for. Yet I was given to you and you didn't even have to sweat for it.
But you know mom, when God saw that you were having a hard time getting to love me, that's when He made me special. He told me, 'You're mom needs help. She can't go on being the way she is. You need to remind her so the others would not have to suffer.'
I'm really happy that you didn't just give up on me, that you let the doctors do the best they can to fix me up. It's a pity they won't be able to do anything about it cause that's not how it works, at least not in my case. The purpose for which I was made this way is beyond them mom. They're good guys, but really, this is something out of their league.
I want you to know that God is happy too. He said I've done a good job. He isn't going to make me suffer any longer. I've done what He sent me to do and now I can rest... really rest.
When it happens, please don't hate yourself mom. You may have made your mistake but I am not it. You haven't done anything to me that God did not allow.
It's just that He loves you and dad very much and He wants you guys to be happy.
I love you too mom. And I'm really happy that you seem to feel the same way now.
Wednesday, March 3; 11:15 amSheesh! My mom COULD scream. She almost woke me up to a startle and then I remembered I couldn't do that anymore. See, I was already... technically, gone.
The doctors tried to do all they can to revive me. So they stuck new needles on me and even shoved this huge tube down my throat just to pump me up with air. Good thing I didn't have to stay around for that. That would have hurt a lot! Hmmm... tsk tsk! They sure are wasting a lot of time on me. These people just won't learn their lessons. We all know that in their hearts, they knew what the real deal was. They just won't listen. They could be treating other sick children instead. Well, I guess they had to do that... ethics or something. Or maybe life has taught them something I had no chance of knowing.
CAUSE OF DEATH: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS)
TIME OF DEATH: 10:30 hours
See my parents? I knew this was going to happen. That's exactly what I don't like about this job. There's my dad, with his shoulders hunched low, like he could bury the sobs he couldn't hide. And look at my mom, draping her arms all over my dad. I'm not sure whether she's begging him to help her up or whether she's trying to support him. I can hear her saying between sobs, 'I wish I'd been given more time. Just a little more. I just wanted to make up for... for...'
Oh mom, please don't do that anymore. It's over. It's done. You've already made up for it. Like God said, I've already done my job... and I did a good one too.
You've learned again what love is all about.
You'll be happy now.
